GLASGOW’S DRINK PROBLEM
GENERAL FAULT FINDING CHART
SYMPTOM - Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet
FAULT - Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face
ACTION - Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as necessary until drinking technique is perfect...............
SYMPTOM - Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale and clear
FAULT - Glass empty
ACTION - Find someone who will buy you another drink
SYMPTOM - Feet are cold and wet
FAULT - Glass being held at incorrect angle
ACTION - Turn glass the other way up so that open end is pointing to the ceiling
SYMPTOM - Feet are warm and wet
FAULT - Incorrect bladder control
ACTION - Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
SYMPTOM - Bar blurred
FAULT - You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass
ACTION - Find someone who will buy you another pint
SYMPTOM - Bar swaying
FAULT - Air turbulence is unusually high, may be due to darts match in progress
ACTION - Insert broom handle down back of your jacket
SYMPTOM - Bar moving
FAULT - You are being carried out
ACTION - Find if you are being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you are being hijacked by the Salvation Army
SYMPTOM - You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a strip light across it
FAULT - You have fallen over backwards
SYMPTOM - Everything has gone dim; you have a mouthful of dirt and broken teeth
FAULT - You have fallen over forwards
SYMPTOM - Everything has gone dark
FAULT - The pub is closin
SYMPTOM - You have woken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling
FAULT - You have spent the night in the gutter
THE ACTION FOR ALL ABOVE - If your glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar
And finally always heck your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie in
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