E=Eckies
So they reckon that nuetrino's are travelling faster than light.......that's a load a ceek,trust Albie Einstewart its awe pants and am still right muckers. Here is a new equation fur you awe........... Muckers Blog = Funny Glesga humour or as I like tae put it MB=FGH
After having their eleventh child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Niell) a Glasgow couple decided that was enouh because they could not afford a bigger bed.So the husband went to the doctors to tell him that they diden't want any more children (wur no wantin any mere weans so were no) The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"a less costly alternative" said the doctor "is to go home and put a banger avalaible from most east end shops all year round in an empty beer can,light it then hold the can up to you're ear for 10 seconds"
The Glesga ned said to the doctor " a might no be the sharpest tool in the shed,but ah cannae see how putting a firework in a can next tae ma ear is gonnae stoap me hiving any mere weans"
"trust me" said the doctor
So the ned went home and light a banger then put it in a can,then put it up to his ear and started to count to ten.
"1" "2" "3" "4" "5".........At which point he paused,placed the beer can between his legs and started to count on his other hand.
This procedure works and is avalaible in Govan,Partick,Calton,Maryhill,Carntyne,Barrachnie,Garthamlock,Ibrox,Parkhead and shettleston.
TIMID TYPE. Cannot piss if anyone is looking. Pretends he has and sneaks back later.
INDIFFERENT TYPE.
All urinals being occupied, he pisses in the sink.
CLEVER TYPE.
Pisses without holding his tool, shows off by adjusting his tie at the same time.
NOSEY TYPE.
Whistles loudly, peeps over to look at the next bloke’s tool.
FRIVOLOUS TYPE.
Plays streams up and across, tries to piss on flies.
ABSENT MINDED TYPE.
Opens his waistcoat, takes out his tie and pisses in his pants.
WORRIED TYPE.
Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes close inspection of tool while pissing.
DISGRUNTLED TYPE.
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out.
PERSONALITY TYPE.
Tells jokes while pissing, shakes off drops with a flourish.
SNEAKY TYPE.
Drops a silent fart while pissing, sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him.
SLOPPY TYPE.
Pisses down his trousers and on his shoes, walks out with flies undone and adjusts balls five minutes later outside.
CHILDISH TYPE.
Looks down at urinal to watch the bubbles.
STRONG TYPE.
Bangs tool on side of urinal when finished, to knock off the drops.
TO WHICH GROUP DO YOU BELONG…BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
FAULT - Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face
ACTION - Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as necessary until drinking technique is perfect...............
SYMPTOM - Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale and clear
FAULT - Glass empty
ACTION - Find someone who will buy you another drink
SYMPTOM - Feet are cold and wet
FAULT - Glass being held at incorrect angle
ACTION - Turn glass the other way up so that open end is pointing to the ceiling
SYMPTOM - Feet are warm and wet
FAULT - Incorrect bladder control
ACTION - Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.
SYMPTOM - Bar blurred
FAULT - You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass
ACTION - Find someone who will buy you another pint
SYMPTOM - Bar swaying
FAULT - Air turbulence is unusually high, may be due to darts match in progress
ACTION - Insert broom handle down back of your jacket
SYMPTOM - Bar moving
FAULT - You are being carried out
ACTION - Find if you are being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you are being hijacked by the Salvation Army
SYMPTOM - You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a strip light across it
FAULT - You have fallen over backwards
SYMPTOM - Everything has gone dim; you have a mouthful of dirt and broken teeth
FAULT - You have fallen over forwards
SYMPTOM - Everything has gone dark
FAULT - The pub is closin
SYMPTOM - You have woken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling
FAULT - You have spent the night in the gutter
THE ACTION FOR ALL ABOVE - If your glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar
And finally always heck your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie in
I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glesga cat and my name is "Sam The Skull"
I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull
I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug
I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and even the occasional dug
Well a roam aroon doon shettlestoon and they all know me by sight
"Its The Skull! Its The Skull!",you can hear them yell,As they vanish intae the night
The polis station doon our way has bars oan the windae sill
It's no to keep the prisoners in,it's to keep oot Sam The Skull
I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glasgow cat and my name is Sam The Skull
I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull
I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug
I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and the even occasional dug
Well one fine day no so long ago,they all had had their fill
They sent for the R.S.P.C.A to come and catch The Skull
There's naebody can get oot while he is roamin aboot chasin awe the weans up the close
Peein on the stairs,scratchin is erse and sitting there picking his nose
I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glasgow cat and my name is Sam The Skull
I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull
I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug
I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and the even occasional dug
Well oot came the men at hawf past ten in their wee blue escort van
Right roon the back.wan had a sack and the other had a mallet in hand
A watched them run roon tae the back of the hoose,then a casually strolled tae the van
A jumped intae the van and a was off,everything had gone tae plan
I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glasgow cat and my name is Sam The Skull
I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull
I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug
I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and the even occasional dug
Ye can hear them say doon shetleston way "whatever happened tae "Sam The Skull"
I've got claws on his paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull
You can tell them from me that I'm still running free,never a day is dull
It might sound ubsurd,but am living wae a bird in a single end in maryhill
I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glasgow cat and my name is Sam The Skull
I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull
I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug
I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and the even occasional dug
Beer is prove that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
When we drink we get drunk,when we get drunk we fall asleep,when we fall asleep we commit no sin,when we commit no sin we go to heaven,Soooo let's all get drunk and go to heaven.....Amen
It's the time of the week when a get some of ma tin friends oot and relax after about 6 of them a start talking to them a tell them ur cool lets go into the living room and chill.
Tomorrow i will contemplate having a big cigar and a tin friend......mmmm
A canny find any of my friends on facebook...carlsberg,tennents,stella,fosters,skol......oopps I've found them they're all in my fridge......COOL.
happiness is being half cut and slurrying ur words.
Wan of the "Kray Twins" used tae get really angry wae the military.....A cannae remember if it was Ronnie or Regimental.
Do we all remember the good old games that we played during our childhood.......
Chap Door Runaway - Explains itself really
Chichamellae - Sticking a wee penny oan to a bottom flat window at night while attached to a long bit of string,then hiding in the long grass and pulling the string to annoy the occupants who cannae see the wee penny and are perplexed at the tapping......Great Fun
One Or Two Man Hunt - Getting chased by either one or two bodies.
Kick The Can - A chasing game.
Moshie - A game of skill involving two coins.
Jawries - A game of marbles or bulls,remember the luckies.
Wee Shops - Playing at a pretend shop.
Doctors and Nurses - A game of experimentation
Truth,Dare,Double Dare,Promise,Command Or Opinion - A favourite among muckers.
Beds - Peaver,a hopping game mainly played by girls.
Five Stanes - A game of chance and some skill that involved using 5 stones as the components.
Pea Shooters - A small wee tube or straw that a pea is placed intae and then fired with the sole purpose of taking a muckers eye oot.
Spud Guns - The proverbial Tatty Gun.
Rocket Banger - a wee rocket that you put bangers in and threw up in the air,when it hit the ground it banged...It came free wae comics
Spin TheBottle - A game of chance.
Whoper - A device that you got free from a comic and,that went snap when used.
Balls - Throwing baws against a wall and catching them...mainly played by girls.
Push Halfpenny - A tabletop game of football played with a halfpenny and two Pennies,a comb or a finger was used tae push the penny into the half penny and into the goal...A forerunner tae Subbuteo.
Blow Football - A tabletop game involving straws to blow a wee bit of rolled up paper intae a set of goals.
A message tae the guy wearing camouflage wae crutches who mugged me in Duke Street last week...you can hide but you cant run.
Right there good folk I'm Ivan McGinty the local east end mucker tennis coach and ma tips for a good game are...................................
1. Wait until wimbledon is oan the telly before playing a few sets.
2. Always play on a main or minor road.
3. Don't use a net,use the kerbs as lines.
4. Use weans chalk tae mark the bass line in.
5. Always use wan of they parks recreational rackets.
6. No need for an umpire,both you and you're pal should be able to tell if its in or oot.
7. And finally,watch out for the big boys coming alang and stealing you're rackets.
Happy Tennis Muckers....................30 - 40
BTW..............The last time a played "Wyatt Easterhoose" he beat me 6-4,6-3,6-0......Good Luck Tae The Mucker Blog
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
Now for ten years you’ve been on the dole
Hingin’ aboot the Paisley Toll
And that’s just how it’s always been
When the mucker screamed at the Polis van
In a coat he’d stolen fae Top Man
And a fag that came from you or me
But while the cop was looking dapper
The wee bam chibbed him on the napper
Dressed all in Kappa clobber
As he shouted “suck ma dobber”
While wee Tan stole a shirt fae Mark’s
And Boab slashed some cunt in the park
They all buzzed petrol in the dark
The day the mucker thrived
And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
Helter Skelter, if the wean cries belt’er
Writing memshies on the old bus shelter
Eight days straight drinking Faaaaaaaaaaaast
Doin’ six month for selling smack
The chip pan diet and the heart attack
A night out at Archaos wi’ the burd
The Sengas reek off cheap perfume
While name tags jangle round the room
Each one grabs her geezer
A fag and lemon Breezer
The lack of class is hard to hide
They cannae wait to get inside
A stair-hied winch and a door-way ride
That’s how the muckers thrive
And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
You’ll see them in their usual places
With silly hats and ugly faces
Ootside the offy acting hard
So Shug be nimble, hug be quick
And get an ounce of speed on tick
Then cut it up and sell it to yer pals
All lined up ootside the Pakis
A rainbow of exotic trackies
Giein’ abuse tae grannies
Ya fucked up bunch of fannies
And as the day turns in to night
The neds may gang up to start a fight
But on their own they’re saft as shite
I’ve made the mucker cry
And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
(Slowly with feeling)
I met a girl who sang The sash, I asked about her pant moustache,
But she just told me to fuck off! I went down to the local chippy
Where the neds hung out and the staff were nippy, And the muckers
there harassed me for some fags, Baseball hats at stupid angles, The
girls each wore three dozen bangles, Hair done up with scrunchies,
Munching crisps and Crunchies. But the three meals they enjoy the
most, Are Chinky, chippy, beans on toast, Come Glasgow fair they hit
the coast, the day the mucker thrived
And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
Setting - High Court In Glasgow
Prosecution Lawer To Wee Jeanie - Is it true that you shot Billy "The Raven" McBride
Wee Jeanie to The Court - A never shot Billy,A shot The Craw.
The two sides of the city come together for their mutual love of Glesga....love is a wondrous thing
Graeme Souness walks intae the dressing room and says if there is not an improvment in the second half then there will be some new faces in here........Davie Dodds stands up and says can a get wan boss.
THE EVENTS
In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
