Hello its Bond.....James Bond......The mucker blog is a shite for shore eyes.....X

A wiz oot and aboot there the noo heavy bongoed and a spotted this wee tager cumin back fae the game....so a shouted tae him "awlll mate wit wiz the hampden roar" the wee rocket didnae even crack a light....the cheek a it........so a chased the wee trumpet and smacked him wae a vodka jubilee a heavy dillion right oan the back of the napper....and then a thought tae maself thats a no bad trackie that boys got oan......and a thought jist dae it.....wan new trackie fur me...RESULT YA BAM

Albie Einstewart

E=Eckies

So they reckon that nuetrino's are travelling faster than light.......that's a load a ceek,trust Albie Einstewart its awe pants and am still right muckers. Here is a new equation fur you awe........... Muckers Blog = Funny Glesga humour or as I like tae put it MB=FGH

Glega Vasectomy

After having their eleventh child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Niell) a Glasgow couple decided that was enouh because they could not afford a bigger bed.So the husband went to the doctors to tell him that they diden't want any more children (wur no wantin any mere weans so were no) The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"a less costly alternative" said the doctor "is to go home and put a banger avalaible from most east end shops all year round in an empty beer can,light it then hold the can up to you're ear for 10 seconds"

The Glesga ned said to the doctor " a might no be the sharpest tool in the shed,but ah cannae see how putting a firework in a can next tae ma ear is gonnae stoap me hiving any mere weans"

"trust me" said the doctor

So the ned went home and light a banger then put it in a can,then put it up to his ear and started to count to ten.

"1" "2" "3" "4" "5".........At which point he paused,placed the beer can between his legs and started to count on his other hand.

This procedure works and is avalaible in Govan,Partick,Calton,Maryhill,Carntyne,Barrachnie,Garthamlock,Ibrox,Parkhead and shettleston.

Certificate of Dickey-Do

This prestigious award is presented to you because you're belly sticks out further than you're Dickey-Do !!!!!!!!!

PERSONALITY ANALYSIS TYPES OBSERVED IN GLASGOW PUBLIC CONVENIENCES

EXCITABLE TYPE.
His shorts are twisted, he cannot find the hole, and he rips his pants in anger.

SOCIABLE TYPE.
Joins friends in a piss, if he needs one or not, says it costs nothing.

TIMID TYPE. Cannot piss if anyone is looking. Pretends he has and sneaks back later.

INDIFFERENT TYPE.
All urinals being occupied, he pisses in the sink.

CLEVER TYPE.
Pisses without holding his tool, shows off by adjusting his tie at the same time.

NOSEY TYPE.
Whistles loudly, peeps over to look at the next bloke’s tool.

FRIVOLOUS TYPE.
Plays streams up and across, tries to piss on flies.

ABSENT MINDED TYPE.
Opens his waistcoat, takes out his tie and pisses in his pants.

WORRIED TYPE.
Not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes close inspection of tool while pissing.

DISGRUNTLED TYPE.
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out.

PERSONALITY TYPE.
Tells jokes while pissing, shakes off drops with a flourish.

SNEAKY TYPE.
Drops a silent fart while pissing, sniffs and looks at the bloke next to him.

SLOPPY TYPE.
Pisses down his trousers and on his shoes, walks out with flies undone and adjusts balls five minutes later outside.

CHILDISH TYPE.
Looks down at urinal to watch the bubbles.

STRONG TYPE.
Bangs tool on side of urinal when finished, to knock off the drops.

TO WHICH GROUP DO YOU BELONG…BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.

THE 5 STAGES OF DRUNKENESS OBSERVED IN ANY GLASGOW PUB

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge
to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger
knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that
you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject
under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of
money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because
of course; you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It
doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy
drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING
person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can
hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear
of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're
BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything
because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You
are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk
through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see
or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

Glesga Drinking Problems - Fact Finding Guide

GLASGOW’S DRINK PROBLEM

GENERAL FAULT FINDING CHART

SYMPTOM - Drink fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet

FAULT - Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face

ACTION - Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as necessary until drinking technique is perfect...............

SYMPTOM - Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer unusually pale and clear

FAULT - Glass empty

ACTION - Find someone who will buy you another drink

SYMPTOM - Feet are cold and wet

FAULT - Glass being held at incorrect angle

ACTION - Turn glass the other way up so that open end is pointing to the ceiling

SYMPTOM - Feet are warm and wet

FAULT - Incorrect bladder control

ACTION - Go and stand next to the nearest dog, after a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training. Demand a pint as compensation.

SYMPTOM - Bar blurred

FAULT - You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass

ACTION - Find someone who will buy you another pint

SYMPTOM - Bar swaying

FAULT - Air turbulence is unusually high, may be due to darts match in progress

ACTION - Insert broom handle down back of your jacket

SYMPTOM - Bar moving

FAULT - You are being carried out

ACTION - Find if you are being taken to another pub, if not complain loudly that you are being hijacked by the Salvation Army

SYMPTOM - You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a strip light across it

FAULT - You have fallen over backwards

SYMPTOM - Everything has gone dim; you have a mouthful of dirt and broken teeth

FAULT - You have fallen over forwards

SYMPTOM - Everything has gone dark

FAULT - The pub is closin

SYMPTOM - You have woken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling

FAULT - You have spent the night in the gutter

THE ACTION FOR ALL ABOVE - If your glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar

And finally always heck your watch to see if it is opening time. If not, treat yourself to a lie in

Drinking Facts

Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING
Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.

Wyatt Easterhoose

A was beaten up by Doris, Darren and Robin - A didnae know what Day it was.........A seen in the days paper that a couple have filmed a Yeti watching them having it off in Ally Park...Ave been called some things before but never that

Willie Barras

"Smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging"......"When Pavarotti died the Undertakers didnae use a hearse. They took him away in a Nissan Dorma"

Boaby Broon

Marti Pellow is suffering fae arthritis!!!!!!!!! "He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toe's.

Dusty "The Clenny Man" Gilmour

A was oot collecting bins this morning when a came across a pair of fake comedy breasts,awe the boys had a good belly laugh but a jist had a wee Titter Titter tae maself.....only in Glesga

Willie Barras

A live in a two story tenement......Well three but thats another story...

Wyatt Easterhoose.

What is it wae awe this vajazzle stuff????? In ma day a c**t covered in jewellery was called Mr T.

Cod Liver Oil And The Orange Juice

Cod Liver Oil And The Orange Juice



Oot o' the East there came a hard man
Oh oh, a' the way frae Brigton
Ah haw, glory hallelujah
Cod liver oil and the orange juice

He went intae a pub, an' he cam oot paralytic
Oh oh, VP [or Lanliq] an' cider
Ah haw, what a helluva mixture ...

(Spoken: Sex rears its ugly head now ...)

Does this bus go tae the Dennistoun Palais
I'm looking for a lumber
Ah haw, glory hallelujah ...

(Eyes up the talent ... and lo and behold!)

In the dancin' he met Hairy Mary
Oh oh, the floo'er o' the Gorbals
Ah haw, glory hallelujah ...

(Chats her up ...)

Oh noo Mary, are ye dancin'
Naw, naw, it's jist the way ah'm stannin'
Ah haw, glory hallelujah ...

(Rebuffed ...)

Oh Mary, yer wan in a million
Oh oh, so's yer chances
Ah haw, glory hallelujah ...

(Rebuffed again!)

Well then Mary, can ah run ye hame
Oh oh, ah've got a pair o' sandshoes
Ah haw, yer helluva funny ...

(Never say die ... sways aboot nonchalantly,
picks his nails wi' his bayonet -
and hew knocks it off!)

Doon through the back close an' intae the dunny
It wasnae for the first time
Ah haw, glory hallelujah ...

Then oot cam her mammy, she's goin' tae the cludgie
Oh oh, ah buggered off sharpish
Ah haw, glory hallelujah ...

Hairy Mary looking for her hard man
Oh oh, he's jined the Foreign Legion
Ah haw, Sahara an' ra camels ...

Then Hairy Mary had a little baby
Oh oh, its faither's in the Army
Ah haw, glory hallelujah ...

(East - Glasgow's east end; Brigton - the Glasgow suburb of Bridgeton)
(VP, Lanliq - cheap fortified wines)
(Dennistoun Palais - dance hall in the east end suburb of Dennistoun)
(Gorbals - fGlasgow inner-city slum district)
(sandshoes - sneakers)
(dunny - tenement passage or basement)
(cludgie - shared toilet in tenement blocks)

Sam The Skull

I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glesga cat and my name is "Sam The Skull"

I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull

I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug

I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and even the occasional dug

Well a roam aroon doon shettlestoon and they all know me by sight

"Its The Skull! Its The Skull!",you can hear them yell,As they vanish intae the night

The polis station doon our way has bars oan the windae sill

It's no to keep the prisoners in,it's to keep oot Sam The Skull

I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glasgow cat and my name is Sam The Skull

I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull

I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug

I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and the even occasional dug

Well one fine day no so long ago,they all had had their fill

They sent for the R.S.P.C.A to come and catch The Skull

There's naebody can get oot while he is roamin aboot chasin awe the weans up the close

Peein on the stairs,scratchin is erse and sitting there picking his nose

I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glasgow cat and my name is Sam The Skull

I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull

I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug

I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and the even occasional dug

Well oot came the men at hawf past ten in their wee blue escort van

Right roon the back.wan had a sack and the other had a mallet in hand

A watched them run roon tae the back of the hoose,then a casually strolled tae the van

A jumped intae the van and a was off,everything had gone tae plan

I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glasgow cat and my name is Sam The Skull

I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull

I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug

I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and the even occasional dug

Ye can hear them say doon shetleston way "whatever happened tae "Sam The Skull"

I've got claws on his paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull

You can tell them from me that I'm still running free,never a day is dull

It might sound ubsurd,but am living wae a bird in a single end in maryhill

I'm a cat,I'm a cat,I'm a Glasgow cat and my name is Sam The Skull

I've got claws on my paws like crocodiles jaws,and a heid like a fermers bull

I'm no the kind of cat that sat on a mat or the kind you gie a hug

I'm the kind of cat that strangles rats and the even occasional dug

James " The Right Reverend" Allan

Beer is prove that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

When we drink we get drunk,when we get drunk we fall asleep,when we fall asleep we commit no sin,when we commit no sin we go to heaven,Soooo let's all get drunk and go to heaven.....Amen

Dusty "The Clenny Man" Gilmour

Dusty"The Clenny Man" Gilmour here........wishing the mucker blog "awe ra best"......A get loads of shite tae pick up fae the mucker streets,the bins are always heavin wae tunnocks tea cake wrappers,steak pie tins,mothers pride bread wrappers,shitey nappies and chip pan grease......It puts me right aff ma dinner when a get hame......But some days ma luck is in and a get a big load of scud books somebody has thrown oot.....It's a messy job but somebody has got tae dae it.

Brian "Tin Friends" Allan

It's the time of the week when a get some of ma tin friends oot and relax after about 6 of them a start talking to them a tell them ur cool lets go into the living room and chill.

Tomorrow i will contemplate having a big cigar and a tin friend......mmmm

A canny find any of my friends on facebook...carlsberg,tennents,stella,fosters,skol......oopps I've found them they're all in my fridge......COOL.

happiness is being half cut and slurrying ur words.

Bajwan

"Big Dave" cam intae the kebaba shoop the nite fur a chickan tokka biryini......and a chapitia.....lovly Big Guy.....he not bying muhc pacora this day.

Tam Shepherd's

Now here is a place for you....Tam Shepherd's......A remember going doon tae Tam Shepherds tae buy awe the wee naff tricks,the bandage wae the blood and dummy nail through it tae be wore oan the finger,that wee trick were you put the coin in one end closed it and when you opened it the coin was gone and of course ma favourite that dummy broon shite thing :-)) ....He done some right good masks as well....Brilliant

Glasgow Star Wars.

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Buckie, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

"Hampden Park" Baldovan Crescent

When we were wee we used tae play fitbaw roon the back of Baldovan oan a bit of grass that we all called Hampden,It was not much bigger than a tennis court but to us it was "Hampden" :-)) :-)) :-))

Willie Barras

Wan of the "Kray Twins" used tae get really angry wae the military.....A cannae remember if it was Ronnie or Regimental.

Wyatt Easterhoose

Phone an ambulance,You're Ma's vajazzle is caught oan you're Da's Beard............

Glesga Games

Do we all remember the good old games that we played during our childhood.......

Chap Door Runaway - Explains itself really

Chichamellae - Sticking a wee penny oan to a bottom flat window at night while attached to a long bit of string,then hiding in the long grass and pulling the string to annoy the occupants who cannae see the wee penny and are perplexed at the tapping......Great Fun

One Or Two Man Hunt - Getting chased by either one or two bodies.

Kick The Can - A chasing game.

Moshie - A game of skill involving two coins.

Jawries - A game of marbles or bulls,remember the luckies.

Wee Shops - Playing at a pretend shop.

Doctors and Nurses - A game of experimentation

Truth,Dare,Double Dare,Promise,Command Or Opinion - A favourite among muckers.

Beds - Peaver,a hopping game mainly played by girls.

Five Stanes - A game of chance and some skill that involved using 5 stones as the components.

Pea Shooters - A small wee tube or straw that a pea is placed intae and then fired with the sole purpose of taking a muckers eye oot.

Spud Guns - The proverbial Tatty Gun.

Rocket Banger - a wee rocket that you put bangers in and threw up in the air,when it hit the ground it banged...It came free wae comics

Spin TheBottle - A game of chance.

Whoper - A device that you got free from a comic and,that went snap when used.

Balls - Throwing baws against a wall and catching them...mainly played by girls.

Push Halfpenny - A tabletop game of football played with a halfpenny and two Pennies,a comb or a finger was used tae push the penny into the half penny and into the goal...A forerunner tae Subbuteo.

Blow Football - A tabletop game involving straws to blow a wee bit of rolled up paper intae a set of goals.

Boaby Broon

Did you know the Gibb brothers are terrified of horses? Apparently the gee-gees gie "The Bee Gees" the heebeegeebees.

Hammy McGinty

A message tae the guy wearing camouflage wae crutches who mugged me in Duke Street last week...you can hide but you cant run.

Ivan McGinty

Right there good folk I'm Ivan McGinty the local east end mucker tennis coach and ma tips for a good game are...................................

1. Wait until wimbledon is oan the telly before playing a few sets.

2. Always play on a main or minor road.

3. Don't use a net,use the kerbs as lines.

4. Use weans chalk tae mark the bass line in.

5. Always use wan of they parks recreational rackets.

6. No need for an umpire,both you and you're pal should be able to tell if its in or oot.

7. And finally,watch out for the big boys coming alang and stealing you're rackets.

Happy Tennis Muckers....................30 - 40

BTW..............The last time a played "Wyatt Easterhoose" he beat me 6-4,6-3,6-0......Good Luck Tae The Mucker Blog

Bajwan

A luv the muker blog vry much......I make bist donna kebaba in glesca......wud u lik salade & soze wae rat.........I was formner Kabbadi chumpion........A luve "Big Dave" he eat many kebaba aned pacora.

Wyatt Easterhoose

A seen Jessie James at the fort the day !!!!!!!! And Wild Bill Hickock was seen at Brigton Cross !!!!!! Am rounding up a posse !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Winchester Rifles and Colts at the ready compadres !!!!!!!!!!! We ride oot at High Noon !!!!!!!!! GEERAAAUP

Glasweigen Pie

A long long time ago
I can still remember how those weeji bampots made me laugh
And I know if I had a chance to see those neds and sengas dance
I’d laugh my fucking arse off once again
‘cos don’t they realise it’s not clever
drinking Buckfast doon the river
tucked in trackie bottoms
they look just fucking rotten
I can’t remember if I cried when I saw those bams in East Kilbride
But it amused me deep inside, the day the mucker thrived

And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”

Did you write the book of shite
Can I borrow ten bob, gonnae gee’za light
Bugger off yer full o’ pish
Oh and do you believe in hardcore techno
Huv ye gubbed five ectos fur a night at the Metro
And can you teach me how to speak reeeaaalll slow
You can tell that she’s in love wi’ him
‘Cos he’s fae Ibrox and she’s a Tim
they both kicked off their socks and those manky old Reeboks
he was a scrawny youth with a GAP pullover
a sovvy ring and a stolen Nova they fell in love when he muff dove’r
the day the mucker thrived

And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”

“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”

Now for ten years you’ve been on the dole
Hingin’ aboot the Paisley Toll
And that’s just how it’s always been
When the mucker screamed at the Polis van
In a coat he’d stolen fae Top Man
And a fag that came from you or me
But while the cop was looking dapper
The wee bam chibbed him on the napper
Dressed all in Kappa clobber
As he shouted “suck ma dobber”
While wee Tan stole a shirt fae Mark’s
And Boab slashed some cunt in the park
They all buzzed petrol in the dark
The day the mucker thrived

And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”

Helter Skelter, if the wean cries belt’er
Writing memshies on the old bus shelter
Eight days straight drinking Faaaaaaaaaaaast
Doin’ six month for selling smack
The chip pan diet and the heart attack
A night out at Archaos wi’ the burd
The Sengas reek off cheap perfume
While name tags jangle round the room
Each one grabs her geezer
A fag and lemon Breezer
The lack of class is hard to hide
They cannae wait to get inside
A stair-hied winch and a door-way ride
That’s how the muckers thrive

And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”

You’ll see them in their usual places
With silly hats and ugly faces
Ootside the offy acting hard
So Shug be nimble, hug be quick
And get an ounce of speed on tick
Then cut it up and sell it to yer pals
All lined up ootside the Pakis
A rainbow of exotic trackies
Giein’ abuse tae grannies
Ya fucked up bunch of fannies
And as the day turns in to night
The neds may gang up to start a fight
But on their own they’re saft as shite
I’ve made the mucker cry

And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”

(Slowly with feeling)

I met a girl who sang The sash, I asked about her pant moustache,
But she just told me to fuck off! I went down to the local chippy
Where the neds hung out and the staff were nippy, And the muckers
there harassed me for some fags, Baseball hats at stupid angles, The
girls each wore three dozen bangles, Hair done up with scrunchies,
Munching crisps and Crunchies. But the three meals they enjoy the
most, Are Chinky, chippy, beans on toast, Come Glasgow fair they hit
the coast, the day the mucker thrived

And they were singin’……
Bye bye, eatin’ Fray Bentos pie
Drove the Uno roon the toon oh wi’ the techno up high
Wearing wooly bunnets though it’s nearly July
Singin’. “Ther’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”
“There’s that posh wee cunt fae Milngavie”

“BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY” THE GLASGOW VERSION

Is this the real life, is it the methadone?
Stuck I Never meant tae steal yer purse
But if I’m no fuhill a’ smack this time the morra’
Kerry oot, kerry oot!
An we’ll go oan the batter!
Too late, the bailiff’s here,
Sends shivers doon ma spine,
Gubbed ten jellies just in time.
Goodbye all ma muckers, I’ve got tae go,
Got tae go and rip some wank fae up the scheme.
Haw Maw, ooh oohooh ooh
I’m a jakey bam,
I sometimes think I’ve never been washed at all ........I see a little silhouetto of a bam,Adidas! Adidas! Can ye get us a kergo?...............Thunderbird, White Lightning, very very frightning to me!
Twenty Mayfair, twenty Mayfair, Twenty Mayfair and some skins,
Magnifico oh oh oh oh!
I’m just a Fat boy, nae cunt loves me,
He’s just a Fat boy fae a Fat family!
Spare us a pound fur a wee cup o’ tea?
Get tae fuck, skanky slob, will ye get a job?
Forfucksake, No! I will not get a job! – Get a job! Forfucksake,
I will no’ get a job! – get a job! Forfucksake,
Will you get a job? – Get a job!
Will no’ get a job, get a job!
Will no’ get a job, get a job!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,….
Oh gonorrhoea! gonorrhorea! Gonorrhorea and the clap!
Then doon the pub, has the barman put aside for me?
For me, for meeeee!?
So you think you can slash me and pish in my eye?
So you think you can chib me an’ leave me to die?
Haw bawbag, can’t dae this tae me bawbag!
Just wait till I’m oot, just wait tae I’m right oot ma nut!
Fuck all really matters,
Any cunt can see,
Fuck all really matters, fuck all really matters to me!
Any way the Clyde flows……In Maryhill, two bob fur the telephone?
Open yer wine an’ talk wi’ a whine like me.
Ahm just a weeji, gie us yer sunny D.
Cos I’ll chib yer pal, rip yer da, slash yer dug, ride yer ma!
Any way the Clyde flows
Disnae really mattur tae me………Haw Maw, just chibbed some cunt,
Buckie bottle tae the heid,
An noo the fuckin’ bastard’s deid!
Haw maw, Ahm just oan parole,
An noo I’m headin back tae barlineeeeee….
Haw Maw, ooh oohooh ohh,

Scotty Saltire

Wishing the "Mucker Blog" awe the best in the future......"Two black Glasgow cabs collided last night. Three people were seriously injured. The other seventeen escaped wae minor injuries."

Boaby Broon

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing a kilt at the ceremony. "And whit's the tartan?" asks his mucker. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress".

Funny Glesga Courtroom Story

Setting - High Court In Glasgow

Prosecution Lawer To Wee Jeanie - Is it true that you shot Billy "The Raven" McBride

Wee Jeanie to The Court - A never shot Billy,A shot The Craw.

Glesga Sayings Part 1

Gaun yersel - Go on yourself, a motivating comment
Midgie-raker - Someone who raids bins & trash for things people have thrown away
Arrabacka - At the back of, as in ah'll get ye arrabacka six - at some point after 6 o'clock -
Cludgie - Toilet, restroom (whaursyercludgieweefulla?), refers to old tenements where the toilet was in the common garden outside your flat!
Wean - Child, pronounced waine, also called bairn
Clype - Tell-tale, someone who tells someone's secrets
Ra baw's up the slates - The ball is up on the roof, ie. you cannot reach something - an unattainable goal
Tank - Beat, win (we'll tank yous re night)
Steamin - Drunk, also known as blootered or bevvied (unsurprisingly, we've got legions of words related to drink!)
Lads & Lassies - Boys & Girls, Men and Women
Jimmy & Hen - Where you don't know someone's name, men are called Jimmy (or Mac), women are called Hen
Dinnae teach yer grannie tae suck eggs - Don't teach something to someone who already knows it
Natter Discussion, as in have a natter, a blether -
Canny - Wise, clever (aye, he's a canny lad mind)
Boost - Head off, move away (ah pure boostit oota ther pronto)
Hee Haw - Nothing (that's worth hee haw byraway!)
Maw & Paw - Mum and Dad
Midden - Rubbish tip / bin, also used to describe what state a place is in (yer room's a pure midden - clean it noo afore ah skelp ye!)
Messages - Shopping (I'm awa fur ma messages)
Shoot the craw - Leave in a hurry, also describes drivers who race to beat the red light (look at that numpty shootin the craw)
Laldy / Welly - Put your heart & soul into it, used when you're encouraging someone to try their best (gie it laldy son, gie it some welly)
Lang may yer lum reek - Long may your chimney smoke - salutation of prosperity & long life
Awa an bile yer heid - Go away and boil your head!
Wur aw Jock Tamson's bairns - We're all God's children, born equal.

Glesga Sayings Part 2

Braw - Great, brilliant
Stoater - Either fantastic (she's a wee stoater so she is), or to stagger (he stoatered up the road)
Ya beauty! - Exclamation of glee or happiness, eg. when your team scores a goal (you can also use "ya dancer!")
Peely Wally -Pale, sickly, average skin tone of Glaswegians (he looks affy peely wally)
Mawkit Dirty
Crabbit - Bad-tempered, in a bad mood (check oot the crabbit face)
Greetin-faced - To look miserable, disgruntled (also torn face can be used)
Scunnered - Annoyed, weighed down (ah'm pure scunnered so ah um)
Wheesht! - Shut up, be quiet (haud yer wheesht pal!)
Byraway - By the way, normally added at end of sentences where point being made (haw that's ma parkin space byraway)
Awayyego - Away you go, used when you don't believe something (awayyego, that's never your parkin space byraway!)
Lose the rag - Lose my temper (ah'm beginnin tae lose the rag wi you)
Jings Crivvens help ma boab! - Exclamation of distress (Jesus Christ, help me God!)
Ah huvnae a scooby - I really don't know (scooby being short for Scooby Doo, rhyming slang for clue - I don't have a clue)
It's baltic in here - It's very cold in here
Toaty - Small, wee, tiny
Yer bum's oot ra windae - Your bum is out of the window, ie. you have no chance of succeeding

Hammy McGinty

Wishing The New Mucker Blog Awe Ra Best Fae Hammy McGinty..............."Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?........The Dark Tan Yin".

Willie Barras

A wish the Mucker blog awe ra best oan bringing awe things Glasgow tae blogspot......"A stopped the day tae watch a fast walking inter-hit junkie oan a mission, like he wis leaning intae the wind.....WAN Word.....GLESGA".

Sporting Lisbon & Chelsea

The two sides of the city come together for their mutual love of Glesga....love is a wondrous thing

Graeme Souness walks intae the dressing room and says if there is not an improvment in the second half then there will be some new faces in here........Davie Dodds stands up and says can a get wan boss.

Images Of Glesga

Nice Hat Nice horses hat as well
The Room and Kitchen
Glesga Jakey

Boaby Broon

Awright muckers welcome..........A wish "Big Dave" all the best oan his new blog............Big Thumbs Up fae Boaby Broon......Enjoy......By the way did you know that the fear of Glesga penises is called Arachnoboabya.

Old Glasgow

Glesga Facts

FACTS ABOUT GLASGOW
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN LIVING IN GLASGOW TOO LONG WHEN...
YOU SAY "PISH" ALL THE TIME!
YOU SAY "AYE" ALL THE TIME!
YOU END SENTENCES WITH "MAN" I.E... "THAT PLACE IS PURE
PISH, MAN! AH'M NO' GOIN' THEE, MAN!"
YOU THINK McEWAN’S LAGER IS GREAT, IGNORING THE FACT
IT "TASTES OF PISH MAN"
YOU GET AN URGE TO DECK EVERYBODY YOU MEET
YOU DECK EVERYBODY YOU MEET.
PEOPLE SEEM TO BE SCARED OF YOU WHEN YOU TELL THEM
WHERE YOU’RE FROM.
YOU AUTOMATICALLY GET THE URGE TO KILL ON HEARING
THE WORDS "EDINBURGH" OR "ENGLAND"
ARE YOU LIVING TOO CLOSE TO GLASGOW? THE TELL TALE SIGNS ARE:
YOUR MISSUS HAS A POSTER OF ANDY GORAM SMILING.
YOU LET YOUR 12 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER SMOKE AT THE
DINNER TABLE IN FRONT OF HER KIDS.
YOU'VE BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES AND STILL HAVE THE
SAME IN-LAWS.
YOU THINK A WOMAN'S "OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE" BECAUSE
SHE ASKS FOR A GLASS WITH HER TENNENTS SUPER.
THE PHRASE "THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!" REMINDS YOU THE
OFF-LICENCE HAS JUST OPENED.
YOU WISH YOUR TOILET WAS AS CLEAN AS THE ONE IN THE
BUS STATION.
AT LEAST ONE MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY HAS DIED RIGHT
AFTER SAYING "HEY, WATCH THIS!"
YOU THINK DOM PERIGNON IS A MAFIA LEADER.
YOUR WIFE'S HAIRDO IS RUINED BY A CEILING FAN.
ONE (OR MORE) OF YOUR KIDS WAS CONCEIVED ON A PUB
POOL TABLE.
YOUR BACK DOOR COAL BUNKER IS IDEAL FOR THE
ROTTWEILER TO RAISE ITS PUPS.
YOU ONLY NEED ONE MORE STAMP ON YOUR CARD TO GET
A FREEBIE AT TAM'S TATTOOS.
YOU CAN'T GET MARRIED TO YOUR CHILDHOOD
SWEETHEART BECAUSE OF THE CURRENT BESTIALITY LAWS.
YOU THINK "LOADING THE DISHWASHER" MEANS GETTING
YOU’RE MISSUS PISHED.
THE SOUNDTRACK ON YOUR WEDDING VIDEO ENDS WITH
THE LOUDHAILER MESSAGE: "THIS IS THE POLIS!"

Mucker's guide to the Commonwealth Games

As you know, Glasgow has won its bid to host the Commonwealth Games in 2014.

What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event are to be especially altered for 2014.

A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.

OPENING CEREMONy
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Ferguslie Park, in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Commonwealth Games, Scotland's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, Walls etc).

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING

This event shall be sponsored by Cash Converters who shall also provide the hardware. The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner shall be the one who can leave A & E first.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages delivery man.
The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of
either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS

All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is
found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised,
please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "Belle & Sebastian".

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled, as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Dennistoun community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.